Confessions of a Former Addict: The Scale No Longer Defines Me

How much do you obsess about the number on the scale? Does it consume your every thought? Does every bite of food make you wonder if it's the reason you're not losing enough weight? Do you skip meals or limit calories to crazy-low amounts? Have you considered or acted upon skipping all meals for days, throwing up after you "cheat" or taken laxatives to lose weight?



If you answered yes to ANY of the previous questions, please know that I'm not here to judge you. I have answered yes to every single one of the above questions. I was, at one time, weighing myself between 4-10 times a day. I was thinking of little other than my weight. I was completely consumed with feelings of inadequacy and failure - all tied to the number on the scale. I was letting that number define me. I would put food on my plate just to scrap 90% off in the trash because I was embarrassed for others to see me eat. I felt like everyone was thinking "that girl shouldn't eat all that food, look how fat she is." I was eating between 75-400 calories a day for weeks at a time. I would eat something that I felt guilty about and then go to the bathroom and stick my toothbrush down my throat until I threw up. I took a laxative every day for a month trying to hit that "magic" number on the scale.

Now, I wonder, how did I think I could maintain the loss if I did accomplish it? I was eating nothing but iceberg lettuce and mustard for meals - there's no way I could have done that forever. My biggest problem was that I wasn't thinking long term/big picture; I was thinking about nothing but the number on the scale. I didn't work out much, I just restricted my calories to extremely low levels.

If you are educated in calories, healthy weight loss or fitness you know exactly what happened. I stopped losing weight, I crashed, I binged, I felt guilty and then didn't eat for several days to both "whip my body back into losing" and to punish myself for cheating. I remember when I'd feel the hunger pangs, I would think, "you shouldn't have cheated, now you stretched your stomach out again and these pangs are just to remind you that you should never ever cheat."

I went on like this for something like 2-3 years before I was sick of feeling poorly all the time, not losing weight and being miserable. I hated myself. Then, I stopped caring at all. I ate/drank whatever I wanted, as often as I wanted and gained 100 pounds over the next 1 1/2-2 years.

Then one day it clicked. I didn't need a gimmick or a fad and the number on the scale did NOT define me. I realized that I had something to offer the world. I also realized that I had a choice in how I lived. I could choose to live (and possibly die) with my scale obsession. I could choose to live (and possibly die) with my "who cares?" attitude. OR I could finally choose a different route - I could choose to live healthy, regardless of what the scale said. I could finally learn to respect the one earthly body God has given me and treat it with the respect deserved of the "Temple of the Lord." God opened my eyes to a whole new understanding. I would begin learning to care more about the QUALITY of my food and calories than the QUANTITY of my food and calories. I would begin learning to eat foods that were created by God to nourish and maintain every part of my body, His Temple. I would also start to learn that working out and being active is good and necessary for my physical body, as well as, my mental and emotional health. Working out has become a love of mine, not only because my physical body feels better or because as I get more  physically fit I notice ailments fading or disappearing, but because it has become a prayer closet of sorts, a quiet time with my Heavenly Father.

You may read this and think that I making something spiritual out of something that's just earthly and shouldn't be. All I can say is, in my experience there is a Spiritual aspect to everything in life and for me personally, getting healthy and fit IS a Spiritual walk. God opened my eyes to my sin. I was disrespecting my body - His Temple by focusing solely on the scale.

Now, I'm not an advocate of ANY extremes. The Bible says that we should practice moderation (I Cor. 6:12 and Phil 4:5) and that is a principle that I believe is to be practiced in all aspects of our lives. Most people use the word moderation only as the opposite of too much or in excess. So, when applied to weight loss or fitness their application would be "don't do too much." Don't eat too many calories or workout at too high a level. While this is true, I also believe it is true that we shouldn't eat too few calories or either not workout or workout at way too low a level. Moderation actually means avoiding extremes. In my interpretation, practicing moderation is avoiding both extremes by being equal distance from both high and low extremes.

With fitness, you must realize that God designed your body to be active, but also to rest. Pain is not normal when you workout, do not hurt yourself, listen to your body. God designed the body to tell us when something is too much. You'll know if you listen to your body, if something is too much or if it's just uncomfortable because you are using muscles that you haven't used or worked enough. :) The other extreme is not working out at all or too little. The result of completely not using a muscle is called muscular atrophy (Disuse atrophy occurs from a lack of physical activity. In most people, muscle atrophy is caused by not using the muscles enough. People with seated jobs, medical conditions that limit their movement, or decreased activity levels can lose muscle tone and develop atrophy. This type of atrophy can be reversed with exercise and better nutrition) This is proof that God did design us to use our muscles!

I do still weigh myself, I do still have a weight loss goal in mind, however if I work hard and eat right all week and the scale doesn't budge, I'm still proud. My measure of success is no longer defined on the scale. When I can workout longer, do a 5k faster, easily turn down food that doesn't fit into my healthy lifestyle - I am proud. I celebrate those things because all those little things really do add up to a healthy life. I also have learned that food is simply a life sustaining element, I no longer think of food as a reward or a punishment. If I do something well, food cannot represent an award. If I don't do well on something, food cannot represent a punishment. If God blesses me with children, I pray that I can instill in them the respect for their bodies and a healthy attitude towards food and fitness. I pray that I would never reward my child with food or punish them using food. I finally understand that hunger pangs are not a sign of my strength nor are they the sting of punishment for a failure. Hunger pangs are simply the bodies way of saying it needs nourishment - nothing more!

Please do not take me as saying that weight loss is vanity or sin. Weight loss (when you need it) is healthy and good. However, being obsessed to the point of using extreme measures to accomplish weight loss, that's not healthy or good. Focus on health by choosing healthy foods and staying active and I promise your weight will reflect that. Of course, you must remember that muscle really DOES affect your weight. So, please celebrate your healthy living accomplishments above that number on the scale. I have a lot more respect for the overweight person eating healthy and working out than I do the skinny person eating junk and not working out. You that are changing your life (no matter what your weight) by making healthy choices and becoming active and fit - YOU are my hero! I want to be like you because you are amazing! You are practicing moderation and you know that the healthy meal and that mile walk will add up to greatness.

As I finish this post, I want to say that until now I have never told a soul about my struggles with what is technically anorexia or bulimia or my laxative abuse. As far as I know, no one suspected just how out of control my weight obsession had gotten. I have been too ashamed to tell my husband, best friend, sisters, parents or close friends.

So you may be wondering, why now? Why on a public blog? Why so transparent for the world to see? My short answer is simply that God saved me, gave me understanding and is teaching me how to live a healthy and fit life. I am so blessed, how can I not share it? If only one person with similar struggles reads this post and seeks God's strength and wisdom to change, it was worth the vulnerability and shame to share such a personal struggle. However, I believe that when God opens my eyes to something, it's rarely only for me!

I pray that if anyone reading this is struggling with the addictions of anorexia, bulimia, laxatives or weight obsession, that you will find Hope in Christ. He alone can set you free, as He has me. If you want me to pray for you, please don't hesitate to contact me.

Remember:

Skinny isn't a synonym for Healthy!

The number on the scale does NOT define you!

You're not fat - fat is just a weird, wiggly, squishy substance with no heart, soul, personality or talents - you, however are an AMAZING person that just has fat.

God Bless,

Melissa