March 8th, 2009... Definitely the scariest day of my life... the day I found out I was pregnant. As I tried to wrap my mind around having a child grow inside me, being a mom, my life changing forever, a different plan was in place for Michael and I. As I was frantically trying to find out how to prepare my body, mind, and heart for this little one that would change everything, someone else had a different plan.
Thursday, March 12th, 2008... Now I know what scary is... the day I found out that I probably wasn't pregnant any longer. I got up to get ready for work, just another day, nothing special. Minutes after waking, I realized I had started bleeding. It immediately felt like a period, cramps and bleeding just the same. Shocked and terrified, I called 4 or 5 people asking what to do. As Michael rushed me to the ER, all I could hear was someone who kept talking about a miscarriage. In my mind, that could never happen to me. I stopped smoking, hadn't had a drink... but maybe it was too late? But no, crack whores have babies. Sixteen year olds that party much harder than I do... they deliver healthy beautiful children everyday... So, it wasn't happening to me. It just wasn't.
The doctor didn't feel the same way I did. He ordered tests, they poked and prodded. Ultimately, all was inclonclusive. I was definitely pregnant. The question now was, tomorrow would I still be, or would my "threatened miscarriage" no longer be a threat?
I was put on bedrest for the remainder of the week and weekend. I was told to get in with an OBGyn as soon as possible. Sounds easy enough... During Spring Break, it's impossible to get an appointment. I guess that's a very popular time to have your check up... who knows.
Anyhow, I went yesterday to have the final check up. I am not pregnant. Just an everyday urine test confirmed. They drew blood to be 100% positive, but I already knew. Just as I knew before I took my first pregnancy test, the pit in my stomach and heart had confirmed the ER doctor's suspicions.
For 3 short days, I got to be a mom. And for some of you, you know that feeling. The sparkle in your eye, the constant need to feel your tummy to just know that something you created is there.... it was the best 3 days of my life. And now, I have been struggling through the hardest 13 days of my life.
Before you ask, yes, Michael and I will be ok. Are we ok now, no, hell no.
But we have to look at the bright side. Yes, there is one. It took me a little while to get it and I don't think I'll ever fully understand what happened to me. But I can look at it right now and now this, it has been confirmed that Michael and I are both fertile and that we WANT a child. No matter what I've said in the past about not wanting kids, it has been thrown out the window. We KNOW that it will be hard, we know that it will be expensive, we know that we will struggle with each other. But we WANT to know the joy that so many of you know. We want to hold our child, something we created, something that is so much of both of us, but so much not like anything we've ever known. We want it all.
Anyway, here's the plan. Michael and I are going to focus on ourselves. We are going to get healthy, we are going to go back to church, and we are going to plan better this time.
Most likely, none of you will know the next time I pee pregnant. (haha) I will have to wait. Having to find out the news is hard enough on a person. Having to break it to family and friends... SUCKS BIG TIME. I've started crying at least 3 times while writing this, and I'm at work (obviously not working).
OK - I'm almost done....
Michael and I can really use all the prayer you can spare. (IT RHYMES)
Like I said, we will be ok. We are having some issues dealing with the loss, but I know we'll pull through. Thank you for the support and prayers we've had so far, don't forget about us!
We love you all.
Michael and Rachael
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