In reality, weight loss is anything, but linear. Though, my first weight loss experience was when I was about 14 years old, that is not the "beginning" that I want to tell you about.
In 2010, something happened that change my psyche. I was judged and ridiculed for my weight, I was made to feel less than a woman due to my weight. These feelings of inadequacy became my driving force to weight loss. The problem is, when driven by such desperate feelings, my weight loss became obsessive, disorganized and frenzied. With no direction and only deep pain driving the weight loss train, I lost and gained weight over the next several years. At times, I worked out over two hours a day and barely ate 1000 calories. Then, I'd lose significant weight and feel like things would change only to be insulted again. Conversely, once I was offended after all my hard work and starvation, I would binge.
On the outside, I would profess that my weight loss journey was all about me, all because I wanted to look and feel better. I would explain the health problems that my family suffered due to weight, and declare my reason for the hard work. But, truth be told, it was all just obsession to be accepted. To be beautiful and worthy of love in the eyes of another, but that day would never come. I lost 70 pounds and was still not good enough for that person.
Then, my emotional ties with that person were cut. You would think at this point, I would say "I'm free." By all reasoning, I should have been relieved and able to finally learn to love myself. The problem is, I had learned to accept this treatment and would continue to accept insults and judgments based on my weight and looks. I continued to obsess until the day I fell in love with a man that didn't look at me like "the fat girl" or the "you'd be pretty if you lost some weight" girl. He held my hand in public, kissed me, really looked at me and saw me in the present, he seemed proud to be seen with me and I finally felt loved as me - the present me, not some future hopeful version of me.
Then, I was happy and I quit obsessing over working out and food. I started eating whatever I wanted and started staying up late with him. I started using my workout time to spend more time with this man I loved. The problem is, I now find myself two years into our relationship, 50 pounds heavier than I started.
I recently saw a picture of myself when we first started dating and then one from this past weekend. I was humiliated by the new photo because all my hard work had disappeared.
Today, I want to start focusing on my weight loss journey again, but for once, I want to TRULY do the work for myself, not to please someone else. Perhaps, this time, not having to work to prove myself worthy of love will be the motivation I need to accomplish my goals. Maybe, having someone that loves me already, the way I am, in my corner, will be exactly the piece that was missing before.
Thank you for sharing this journey with me. If anything I've written here resonates with you, I pray that you find the peace you need to love yourself.
~Melissa
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